


Post Meridiem

by cypress_tree



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5 Times, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, but also sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 15:53:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18876358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cypress_tree/pseuds/cypress_tree
Summary: Five times Rafael went to bed alone, and one time he went to bed with Sonny.





	Post Meridiem

**One**

 

It’s nearing midnight and they’re sharing a Lyft back to their apartments. Rafael is sitting with both hands in his lap. Sonny has one hand on the seat beside him. It’s not quite in the middle, but it’s close enough to it that Rafael can feel that space between them. The offer it implies. He reaches over and takes Sonny’s hand in his own. Sonny squeezes it.

They don’t talk during the car ride. They did a lot of talking at dinner, and now, the silence between them is comfortable. Rafael is a little nervous, and judging by the clamminess of Sonny’s palm, he is, too. Crossing that line between coworkers-who-flirt and coworkers-who-date is nerve-wracking. The fact that dinner went so well might honestly make it worse.

The car pulls up in front of Rafael’s building. Rafael releases Sonny’s hand and turns as he gets out, ready to say goodbye. He doesn’t expect Sonny to follow him, but Sonny does. He passes the driver a five-dollar bill and asks if he wouldn’t mind waiting. Rafael’s heart is pounding on the pavement. Sonny walks him inside and gives a nod and smile to the doorman. They stand close together by the elevator.

“I had a really good time tonight,” Sonny says. “Do you wanna do this again?”

Rafael feels a little relieved, not just by the question, but by Sonny’s nervousness—a sign that this matters to him.

“Next weekend?” he asks. “I’m free Friday or Saturday.”

“Friday sounds good.” Sonny smiles. He glances quickly at Rafael’s mouth, then looks away. “I’ll give you a call when I get off work.”

Rafael nods. He presses the button for the elevator, and the doors open immediately. He steps inside. Sonny holds his hand over the doorjamb.

“The driver’s waiting for you,” Rafael says, a gentle tease in his voice. He leans against the back wall, allowing his coat to part so Sonny’s eyes can roam over his body from head to toe.

“Yeah,” Sonny says, his voice a little throaty. “Uh—can I kiss you?”

Rafael waves him forward with a smirk, and the elevator doors close them in. Sonny’s lips are just as soft and plush as Rafael had imagined. He rests his hands on Sonny’s chest and pulls him back in by his collar as soon as they part. He feels Sonny smile against him, his mouth opening to Rafael’s tongue. Rafael slides his hands around Sonny’s slim waist. He can feel the warmth of his body, trace his muscles and spine. Sonny breaks away to sigh and chuckles, a soft release of the tension that’s been with them all night.

“You’re a fucking dream, Rafael,” he murmurs.

Rafael is done for. He feels his skin heat, and immediately lowers his eyes. He rests his face against Sonny’s shoulder, hoping it isn’t too obvious that he’s trying to hide. They hold each other quietly, but the sound of voices outside in the foyer makes them part.

“I’ll see you at work Monday,” Sonny says, holding onto Rafael’s hand.

Rafael clears his throat. “Yeah,” he says. “See you then.”

Sonny gives him one last smile then pushes the button for the elevator doors to open. He steps out, apologizing to the young couple that he almost walks into. Rafael watches him go until the doors close again, and the elevator starts to lift.

 

**Two**

 

It’s 11pm, and they’re stumbling in the door.

Rafael fumbles with the lock and clicks it closed. He pulls Sonny in by his lapels and smashes their mouths together, kissing him messily until Sonny laughs against him.

“Alright,” Sonny murmurs. “Slow down.” Despite what he says, he returns Rafael’s kisses. He holds Rafael tight around the waist. Rafael feels drunk on more than just the alcohol.

“Want you,” he whispers. His hands go to Sonny’s shirt. He paws at the buttons, fingers clumsy and uncoordinated. He manages to tug one open, and his gaze zooms in on Sonny’s skin. He dips in to kiss Sonny’s collarbone, grazing his teeth against it, tracing it with his tongue.

Sonny moans softly, then cups Rafael’s cheek in his hand, lifting his face. Rafael’s hands press against his body, feeling the shape of him, tracing each angle and slope. His fingers wander over Sonny’s ribs, his stomach, curve around the small of his back, then slide down over his ass.

Sonny pulls away. “Okay, we shouldn’t—”

Rafael pulls him back in. “I _want_ you.”

Sonny steps away again. “I know, Raf.” He licks his lips. His cheeks are red. “I know.”

Rafael’s mind is hazy, but he can tell something is wrong. His hands itch to grab Sonny’s arms. Cling to him. But he keeps the distance between them. He waits.

“Not tonight, okay?” Sonny asks.

Rafael stares at him. “Okay.”

“Alright.” Sonny nods, almost to himself, then steps closer and kisses Rafael on the forehead. “Lemme help you into bed.”

“I can do it.” Rafael pushes past him, a little embarrassed. He keeps a hand on the wall for balance and doesn’t bother closing the bedroom door before he strips down to his boxers and undershirt.

Sonny is making noise in the kitchen, so Rafael goes into the ensuite. He tries to brush his teeth, but sticking a toothbrush in his mouth makes him feel like he’s going to throw up. He uses mouthwash instead. When he walks back out into the bedroom, Sonny is there, standing hesitantly in the open doorway.

“Hey,” he says. He’s holding a glass of water. “Promise me you’ll finish this before you fall asleep.”

“Sure.” Rafael takes a few sips and sets the glass on his nightstand. “You leaving?”

“In a bit, yeah.”

“Bed’s big enough for two, you know.” Rafael gives Sonny a glance-over.

Sonny chuckles. “You’re drunk, Rafael.”

They stare quietly at the empty space between them, then Sonny crosses it. “Have a good night.” He kisses Rafael before leaving, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

 

**Three**

 

It’s 9:45, and this time, it’s perfect. This time, the only thing causing them to stumble is their own excitement. Sonny has his hands on Rafael’s hips, pressed close against his back as Rafael fumbles for his keys. He’s not sure why he has so many keys. His apartment, his mailbox, his office, his mom’s apartment....

“What’s taking so long?” Sonny asks. His voice is a tease.

“I just—there’s so many fucking keys—”

Sonny laughs, his breath hot against the back of Rafael’s neck. He pulls at Rafael’s coat collar, tugging it down so he can kiss the skin hidden underneath.

“Got it,” Rafael says. The key turns in the lock just as Sonny’s lips touch his nape. His eyes slip closed, and he presses his free hand against one of Sonny’s own. Sonny flips him around and pushes him through the doorway in one quick, clumsy movement.

Rafael shivers. He wraps his arms around Sonny’s neck. Sonny kicks the door closed and turns them again so that Rafael is pressed against the wall.

“I have a bedroom,” Rafael says, smiling.

Sonny shakes his head. “You think I have that kinda patience?”

Rafael is overflowing with a joy he hasn’t felt in years. Sonny dips down to kiss him, but their mouths can barely meet because they’re both smiling so broadly. Rafael arches into Sonny’s body, pulling him closer by his waist, gasping when he feels Sonny’s growing hardness against his hip.

“You’re making my fucking knees weak,” he says, and pushes Sonny away. He tosses his coat onto the sofa, then walks towards the bedroom, looking over his shoulder to see Sonny following him with a dopey puppy-dog look. Rafael feels a thrill in his stomach. He swings open the door and toes off his shoes.

Sonny looks around. Rafael cleaned up a bit, hoping that he’d be taking Sonny home tonight. He congratulates himself on being so forward-thinking.

“You cleaned up for me, didn’t you?” Sonny asks.

Rafael frowns. Sonny laughs at his expression, then pulls him close for the sort of long, tender kiss he’s so good at. Rafael can’t get enough of them. He cups Sonny’s face in his hands, dragging his thumbs across Sonny’s smooth cheeks. Sonny locks his arms around Rafael’s waist, and Rafael feels him again, harder now, against his hip.

“I love how excited you are already,” he murmurs.

Sonny huffs a laugh and lowers his eyes. He’s blushing, and it’s probably the cutest thing Rafael has ever seen. Rafael smirks and pulls Sonny towards the bed, sitting down and sliding back to make room. Sonny gazes at him, his mouth hanging open. He pushes Rafael onto his back and lies gently beside him.

“What do you want?” Sonny asks. He leans in to kiss Rafael’s neck, which causes Rafael to have trouble focusing on the question. “What do you like, sweetheart? Tell me.”

Rafael closes his eyes. Sonny’s mouth is hot against his skin, a light suction, a gentle press of tongue. Rafael’s sweater is riding up at his waist, and Sonny takes advantage of it, slipping one hand underneath and scratching softly with his fingernails.

“Mmmph,” Rafael whimpers. “Fuck—anything.”

“Anything?” Sonny kisses Rafael on the lips and slides his hand up further on Rafael’s stomach. “Lemme tell you what I wanna do,” he says. “I wanna take all your clothes off so I can see your gorgeous body, then I wanna suck your dick real slow until you’re begging me to let you come.”

It takes a couple seconds before Rafael realizes he’s stopped breathing. He sucks in a long breath and tries to ignore Sonny’s knowing grin.

“Where did you learn to talk like that?” he asks, his voice higher than it should be. “Not in Catholic school.”

Sonny laughs, his body shaking with it. He sits up and swings one leg over Rafael's hips, pinning him down. He tugs Rafael’s sweater over his head and tosses it away, his hands immediately coming to rest on Rafael’s bare chest.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Rafael says.

Sonny tweaks both his nipples, making Rafael gasp. “I’m not a virgin, you know,” Sonny says with a smirk. “I’ve given lots of oral.”

“Oh yeah?” Rafael puts his hands on Sonny’s thighs. “Don’t think I like the idea of you having sex with other people.”

Sonny meets Rafael’s eyes, a solumness in his expression that wasn’t there before. “Well....” he says, quietly. “I haven’t been seeing anyone else since we got together.” He drops his gaze, a blush rising again in his cheeks. “I don’t plan to.”

Rafael’s heart flutters. He pulls Sonny down on top of him and kisses him slowly.

“Are we exclusive?” Sonny asks in a whisper.

“Yeah.”

“Can I call you my boyfriend?”

“A little juvenile, but I’ll get over it.”

Sonny laughs. He kisses Rafael again, longer and slower. Rafael wraps his arms around him, sliding his hands beneath his soft grey henley and tugging it up and off. It joins Rafael’s sweater on the floor.

“You have muscles,” Rafael says, admiring them.

“Should I be insulted that you sound so surprised?”

Rafael smirks. He rolls them over to the side, one hand caressing Sonny’s bicep appreciatively. Sonny scoots closer until they’re pressed tight together. The feeling of bare skin against his own makes sparks fly along Rafael’s spine.

They spend a few minutes just kissing and holding each other. They haven’t been kissing nearly enough. They’ve stolen a few in elevators and conference rooms and Rafael’s office, but they haven’t had time to do this—to kiss deeply and slowly, until the rest of the world fades away and it’s all narrowed down to each other.

Sonny nudges his knee between Rafael’s legs and suddenly, everything becomes much more urgent. Rafael realizes how hard he is, how tight his pants have become. A whimper escapes his throat, and Sonny’s hand slides down to rest on his hip.

“You want me to take care of you?” Sonny murmurs. Rafael nods, afraid of what his voice will sound like if he tries to speak. Sonny pushes him onto his back and straddles Rafael’s thighs. He leans down to kiss a trail from Rafael’s neck to his stomach. Rafael’s heart is beating wildly out of control. He runs a hand through Sonny’s hair, over and over again, messing up the tightly controlled coif and letting the blonde-grey strands fall loose over Sonny’s forehead. Sonny nuzzles Rafael’s soft middle with a smile.

“I love your body,” he says.

He’s so kind, so thoughtful and considerate. Rafael’s never been with anyone like him. He’s never been with anyone so selflessly _nice_.

Sonny kisses the little bit of belly above Rafael’s waistband. He looks up at Rafael with smile wrinkles by his eyes. Rafael reaches down and unbuttons his pants, lifting his hips so Sonny can pull them off his legs. Once they’re gone, Sonny swoops right in to kiss the inside of Rafael’s thighs. Rafael clutches the bedsheets.

“God,” he gasps. Sonny’s mouth wanders upward, alternating between kisses and nips. Rafael squirms at the feeling of his teeth.

“Stop wiggling,” Sonny murmurs. He tucks two fingers into the waistband of Rafael’s underwear and pulls it down. Rafael swallows as his cock slaps onto his stomach. Sonny hums.

“I really did a number on you, huh?” His eyes are glassy, his lips slick, and his cheeks dark pink. He parts Rafael’s legs so he can lie comfortably between them. Rafael closes his eyes, feeling so exposed and aroused it’s almost painful.

Sonny takes Rafael’s cock into his mouth. Rafael holds his breath as he feels himself sink in deep— _so_ deep. Sonny takes him all the way to the back of his throat. Rafael whimpers.

Sonny pulls off slowly, his lips a tight ring of heat. Rafael can’t help it—he lets out a deep guttural moan that he never had any hope of controlling.

When Sonny looks up and smirks at him, all Rafael can do is gape.

“Learned that little trick in college,” Sonny says. Before Rafael can react, he’s ducking back down, kissing along the side of Rafael’s cock, then gently sucking the head. He takes his time, like he’s enjoying every second. From the looks of it, he is. His eyebrows are knit with concentration, his focus entirely on Rafael. Rafael can feel a tickle moving up his spine. A slow buildup of heat that’s coming much too early.

“Sonny—” he gasps.

Sonny pulls off completely, and Rafael sputters.

“That’s—fuck—the _opposite_ of what I wanted!”

Sonny chuckles, squeezing gently at the base of Rafael’s cock until his arousal softens from a sharp spike into a subtle simmer.

“I said I’m gonna make you beg,” Sonny murmurs. “That didn’t sound like begging. Not yet, anyway.”

Rafael’s hands fall from Sonny’s hair and clutch the bedsheets instead.

“You’re gonna kill me.”

“Nah.” Sonny leans back down, nudging at Rafael’s cock, giving it tiny licks like he’s a cat lapping up milk.

Rafael’s body is nearing the edge again. Sonny switches from short licks to long strokes of his tongue. His hands knead at Rafael’s thighs, thumbs rubbing up at the crease of his torso. He gives a long exhale, and Rafael can feel it against his dick. It makes his hips jump, and Sonny laughs to himself. He sucks Rafael again, firm and tight but somehow gentle.

“Sonny,” Rafael whispers. He doesn’t complete the sentence. He knows that he could ask now—he could say it now and Sonny would give it to him. But he can hold out a little longer. Just a _little_ longer.

Sonny pulls back, holding the tip of Rafael’s cock in his mouth and stroking the most sensitive parts of Rafael’s body with one hand. His fingers graze over Rafael’s balls, dip deep down between his legs. They circle the base of his cock, scratching through a neat tangle of hair. His mouth sinks down deeper, and he opens his throat. Rafael whimpers.

“Sonny _please_ —”

Sonny bobs his head three times—quick—then holds the tip of Rafael’s dick in his mouth and jerks him off with one hand. He makes eye contact, and Rafael can practically read his mind. Sonny isn’t pulling away. He wants it. The thought of coming in his mouth is what tips Rafael over the edge.

“God—fuck—” he cries. His orgasm rolls through him like a wave of thunder. Sonny swallows, making excited, eager little noises that have Rafael riding the high longer than he normally would. Once his body stops spasming, Sonny licks him clean, and every muscle in Rafael’s body goes limp. He’s too blissed out to even think.

Sonny sits up, then unbuttons his jeans and shoves them down his hips. He kneels over Rafael’s body.

“Can I come on you?” he asks, jerking himself off roughly.

Rafael blinks. His mind feels sluggish. “Oh, wait, let _me_ —”

“Next time, baby, I’m so close—can I _please_ come on you?”

Rafael nods, speechless. Sonny tilts his head back, baring his long neck. His eyes don’t leave Rafael’s body as he gives a low grunt and comes across Rafael’s stomach and chest. Rafael feels filthy in the most amazing way. He wants to rub Sonny’s release into his skin. He settles for wiping some up with one finger and licking it.

Sonny moans, watching him. He gives himself a few final tugs, then sighs and sits down between Rafael’s thighs. Rafael shifts, a little uncomfortably.

“You know,” he says. “As much as I’ve loved having you between my legs, I would like to close them at some point.”

“Fuck, sorry.” Sonny crawls over him, grabs a couple tissues from the nightstand, and lies down next to Rafael. He cleans off Rafael’s body as best he can, then tosses the tissues back on the nightstand, much to Rafael’s chagrin.

“You’re wiping that down,” Rafael says.

“Yes, Raf.” Sonny smiles. He wiggles closer and wraps an arm around Rafael’s waist. He leans in close to kiss him. “That was fucking fantastic,” he says.

“Mmm....agreed.” It might be the orgasm, but Rafael’s feeling a little sappy. Sonny’s hand moves in soothing circles across the small of his back.

“Hopefully, next time I’ll last a little longer.”

Rafael’s heart flutters over the words “next time,” but he can’t resist the perfect set-up. “Oh, don’t worry,” he says. “That’s common with younger men. Someone more _experienced_ , like myself, can last—”

Sonny pushes him away playfully. “Shut up!”

They laugh together, those smile lines appearing at the corners of Sonny’s eyes. Rafael pulls him back in, and Sonny’s hand returns to where it was—still rubbing soothing circles. Rafael feels so content. He could lie here forever, beside Sonny.

“Do you want to stay the night?” Rafael asks, quietly.

Sonny’s hand stills on his back, then moves again.

“I uh—I better not,” he says. “I didn’t bring a change of clothes, and I gotta get up early tomorrow and meet my family for brunch.”

Rafael looks up at him, but Sonny looks away.

“Okay,” Rafael says.

“Sorry—”

“No, it’s fine.” Rafael is disappointed, yes, but it’s not like they planned this. “Maybe next time.”

Sonny kisses him on the forehead and squeezes him tight with one arm.

“You wanna shower with me before I leave?” he asks.

Rafael snorts, but untangles himself from Sonny arms and sits up, stretching toward the ceiling.

“I suppose it’s a good idea,” he sighs. “Considering how disgustingly sticky you made me.”

“Yeah, you enjoyed that, don’t even pretend like you didn’t.”

Rafael picks up Sonny’s pants from the foot of the bed and tosses them in his face.

 

**Four**

 

It’s 10:30 at night and they’re lying on the sofa in Rafael’s apartment. They started out in an upright position, until the baking competition show they were watching turned out to be only the first episode of a night-long marathon. They slowly began shifting lower and lower into the cushions.

“You falling asleep?” Sonny asks, nudging at Rafael’s arm.

Rafael mumbles a “no.” He’s lying face-down against Sonny, his head tucked into the crook of Sonny’s neck. Sonny’s hand has been running along his back, up and down against his spine. Between that and the soft thud of Sonny’s heartbeat, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, Rafael feels more at peace than he’s ever felt.

“You’re not allowed to move,” he says. “So don’t bother.”

Sonny chuckles. He squeezes Rafael with one arm and leans down to kiss him on the top of the head. Rafael doesn’t hold back his smile. He sighs deeply and allows his defenses to drop.

Rafael must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing he knows, Sonny is nudging him again.

“Wake up, sleepyhead. It’s late; I gotta go and you should be in bed.”

Rafael groans. He’s still so comfortable. Sonny is warm, solid, and soft beneath him. He smells like laundry and sweetness. Rafael is starting to realize that he's in love.

“Can't I sleep here?” he mumbles.

“You're too old for that, no offense.” Rafael swats him anyway. “Your body will thank you tomorrow morning, trust me. And it won't be as comfy here once I'm gone.”

Rafael slowly sits up. How did he fall in love in just two months? Sonny smiles at him with unabashed affection, and Rafael knows that it started long ago—long before their first date.

“Stay here,” he says. “Sleep over.”

Sonny's smile tightens. “Nah, I—I didn't bring a change of clothes.”

“So? You don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.”

“Yeah but....I mean, I don't have any pajamas either.”

“Sleep in your boxers, I’ll enjoy the view.” Rafael grins. “You can borrow one of my t-shirts, if you’re cold.” He pats Sonny on the chest and gets up from the couch. Their wine glasses are sitting empty on the table, so he carries them into the kitchen. He hears Sonny turn off the TV, and smiles.

“Raf, I—”

Rafael turns around. Sonny is standing in the doorway, looking guilty. “I really shouldn’t,” he says. “I’m sorry, it’s just....” He doesn’t finish his sentence.

Rafael’s stomach drops, and he feels a bright flush of embarrassment as he realizes that this is _his_ fault. Sonny figured out how Rafael feels, and it's made him uncomfortable. Rafael turns back to the sink and washes the wine glasses by hand.

“Yeah, whatever,” he says. “Do what you want, it doesn’t matter.”

Sonny is quiet, across the room. Rafael doesn’t even see the glasses as he washes them. He can’t believe he was so obvious. Fell so hard, so fast. The first time in years he’s allowed himself to open up to someone, and it backfires spectacularly.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny says again.

Rafael shakes his head. “It’s not your fault.” He dries his hands on the kitchen towel. Sonny comes up beside him and kisses him on the cheek.

“Have a good night,” he says. “Sleep well.”

“You too.” Sonny lets himself out of the apartment, and Rafael sighs, releasing the tension from his shoulders. “Fuck,” he whispers. He runs through the whole evening in his head. How he had fallen asleep on Sonny’s chest, how he had inhaled the scent of him, how he had closed his eyes and soothed himself with Sonny’s heartbeat.

“Idiot.” He turns off the kitchen lights and locks the front door. It’s only been two months; he needs to pull himself together.

 

**Five**

 

It would have been easier not to fall in love if Sonny didn’t make him feel so goddamn good.

Rafael flops onto his back on the mattress. Every nerve ending is tingling. His skin is buzzing, and his mind feels hazy as it slowly recovers from orgasm. Sonny chuckles, stretching his arms above his head and giving a deep, satisfied sigh.

“God,” he groans. “I think I almost passed out.”

Rafael doesn’t doubt it. He rolls over and curls up close. Sonny wraps an arm around his shoulders and kisses him on the top of the head.

“You’re incredible,” he says.

“Flatterer.”

Sonny laughs. He runs his hand through Rafael’s hair. His nails scratch lightly, and he rubs at the tender dip at the base of Rafael’s skull. Rafael goes even more boneless than the orgasm left him.

“Keep doing that,” he murmurs. He melts against Sonny’s shoulder. He’s dizzy off the smell of sex and Sonny’s body. The firm but gentle dig of Sonny’s fingers massaging his skin.

Rafael wants to say “I love you.” He can feel his tongue catching on the L with every exhale. He’s breathing it out of his lungs, but he holds it in.

“Rafael?” Sonny whispers.

Rafael pretends not to hear. He knows what’s coming, because this happens every time. Sonny lets him lie here awhile, catching his breath. Sonny runs his hand along Rafael’s back, or through his hair, or up his arm. Then, just before Rafael drifts off to sleep, Sonny loosens his grip, and says he has to go.

“Rafael?”

Knowing it’s coming doesn’t make it hurt any less when it does.

“Baby, I can’t stay. I’m sorry.”

Rafael sighs. He pulls back just a bit. “I know. I’ve stopped expecting you to stay.”

“It’s not you,” Sonny says. “I don’t want you to think that it’s you.”

“Little late for that.”

“Hey—” Sonny leans in, trying to look him in the eye, but Rafael rolls onto his other side. “It isn’t you!” Sonny insists. “It’s me. It’s my own stuff.”

“Wow, the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me?’ That’s really what you’re going with?”

“Well—I just—I’m not ready yet—”

“Not _ready?_ ” A flicker of anger ignites in Rafael’s chest. He sits up.

“Wait—that came out wrong.”

“Not ready? You’ve been fucking me for two and a half months now, but sleeping in the same bed is a step too far for you?”

“That’s not what I meant!” Sonny reaches for him, but Rafael moves out of the way. “Raf, please—it’s really not you. I just have my own shit to deal with, and—"

“And I don’t? You think I don’t have any insecurities? I’ve put them all aside for you, and you’re still holding me at arm’s length.”

“I’m not!”

“You are! _Fuck_ , Sonny.” Sonny stares at him helplessly, but doesn’t try to explain himself. Rafael sighs. “I’m going to take a shower. Lock the door on your way out.” He gets out of bed. Sonny grabs his wrist.

“Wait—Raf, please don’t make me leave like this.”

“Why not? You want to leave so badly, what’s it matter to you how you do it?

“Rafael—”

Rafael shakes Sonny’s hand off his wrist and goes into the bathroom, slamming the door closed and locking it behind him. He looks at himself in the mirror and waits, but Sonny doesn’t knock. Rafael turns on the shower. When he comes back out, Sonny is gone.

 

**One**

 

They avoid each other for the next week. Rafael wakes up every day and checks his phone, but there’s no “good morning” text from Sonny. He goes to work and sits in his office waiting for his phone to ring, but it never does. He does trial prep and holds meetings. He stops by SVU twice. The first time, Sonny isn’t there. The second, they’re strictly professional with each other.

The weekend rolls around. Rafael spends Friday night eating takeout alone in his apartment. He wonders if Sonny is working.

It seems like such a stupid thing to fight over, but it’s not. Rafael has always loved sleeping with a partner. Being held as he falls asleep, waking up to someone’s bedhead and bleary eyes. He loves the warmth of another body, the soft sound of breathing beside him, the feeling of comfort and companionship and the _intimacy_ of sharing a bed with another person. It’s not just that Sonny won’t sleep with him. It’s that Sonny doesn’t want to share that intimacy. It’s embarrassing to think that Rafael allowed himself to get so close—to fall so hard and open up so much—to someone who never wanted to do the same for him.

Rafael pushes his half-empty takeout container across the coffee table. He curls up on the couch and flips through the channels, looking for something to watch. He passes the cooking channel that Sonny was so obsessed with, the MTV reality show that Sonny was too old for but still ate up like candy, the horrible crime drama he and Sonny had watched one afternoon, lazing about Rafael’s apartment for the first time in their relationship.

He’s about to settle for something on Bravo when there’s a knock at the door. Rafael glances at the clock. It’s eight. He doesn’t know if that’s early or late, for a Friday night. The knock comes again.

“Raf?”

Sonny didn’t have to say anything for Rafael to know it was him.

He turns off the TV and gets up off the couch. He tries smoothing out the wrinkles in his clothes, but considering he’s in sweatpants and a t-shirt, it doesn’t really help. He flattens his hair with one hand before opening the door.

Sonny is there, trying and failing to hide a bouquet behind his back. He gives a hesitant smile.

“Hey,” he says. “I fucked up, and I’m sorry. Let me explain?” He presents the bouquet, which Rafael takes. He lets Sonny squirm as he silently examines the flowers. They’re actually quite nice.

“You got these from a florist,” he says.

“Yeah, well. You deserve better than bodega flowers.”

Rafael bites his lip. He steps aside, motioning Sonny in before going to the kitchen and filling an empty vase with water.

“I was being dumb,” Sonny says, his words tumbling out. “This whole thing is my fault, because I was scared of what you would think of me—and that was stupid! And after not seeing you for a week, and not getting to talk to you or have lunch with you—the thought of losing you is way scarier than—”

“Slow down,” Rafael says. He arranges the flowers neatly in the vase, then motions towards the couch. They sit facing each other, but not touching. Sonny seems to be waiting for Rafael’s permission to speak. His eyes are nervous and pleading. Rafael is a little surprised to find he has this much power over Sonny’s emotional state.

“What do you mean?” he asks, carefully. “What are you talking about?”

Sonny takes a deep breath. “I was afraid that if I told you the real reason why I never wanted to stay overnight, you’d—I don’t know....”

Rafael had assumed Sonny was just afraid of intimacy, but he can tell now that it’s more than that. Sonny looks down at his hands and toys with a stray thread on the couch cushion.

“I uh—I have PTSD,” he says.

Whatever Rafael was expecting, that wasn’t it.

“I get nightmares because of it, and it’s worse when I’m not sleeping in my own bed. I didn’t want to stay the night because I was afraid I’d like, wake up screaming or kick you or something. Freak you out.”

Rafael isn’t sure how to respond. He takes Sonny’s hand and squeezes it.

“I understand,” he says, softly. “Did I say something to make you think you couldn’t trust me?”

“No! No, it’s not that I didn’t trust you, it’s just—I don’t know. I don’t like talking about it. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“It’s not embarrassing.” Rafael pushes a strand of hair out of Sonny’s eyes, but Sonny won’t look at him. “Are you getting help?”

Sonny nods. “Yeah. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. I asked about medication a few months ago, so she referred me to a psychiatrist, and we’re trying to find something that works for me.”

“Good.”

“Yeah. But I’m still getting nightmares.”

Rafael nods. He’s glad Sonny has reached out for help—that’s often the hardest part—but he can understand the frustration of things not being fixed right away. He rubs his thumb over Sonny’s hand.

“I’m glad you’re not dealing with this alone,” he says. “But I wish you had told me.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault.”

“It is, a little.”

“Okay, maybe a little.”

Sonny gives a soft chuckle, his eyes cast down to the ground. Rafael hates seeing him like this—nervous and skittish, making himself smaller. Sonny still seems scared. Rafael supposes it’s about time they both be honest.

“I love you,” he says.

Sonny’s eyes widen and his face opens up. He squeezes Rafael’s hand, still cradling his own.

“I love you too, holy shit, Raf—” He surges forward and captures Rafael’s mouth in an off-center kiss. Rafael kisses back only briefly before smiling and breaking it.

They kiss again, a little deeper, a little slower. Rafael truly missed this. How Sonny gives all his attention to Rafael while kissing him. How his hands cup Rafael’s cheeks or neck or rest on his shoulders, or slide down his chest. How Sonny possesses him.

Sonny pulls back and kisses Rafael’s cheek, then his cheekbone. He whispers “I love you” against Rafael’s skin, then wraps him in a hug that feels just the right amount of tight.

“I’m sorry if I made you think that I didn’t,” he says.

Rafael shakes his head. “Forget about it.” They keep holding each other.  They're angled a little awkwardly on the couch, but Rafael never wants to move.

“Hey,” Sonny says, after a moment. “What are you doing tomorrow morning?”

Rafael smiles. “Nothing, why?”

“Can I stay over?”

“You don’t have to—I understand. Take your time.”

Sonny shakes his head. “No, I want to. I’ve always wanted to.”

Rafael pulls back to look Sonny in the eye. Sonny is being sincere. There’s no trace of doubt in his expression.

“Alright,” Rafael says. “I would love that. Although I notice you haven’t brought a change of clothes....”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Raf, I have literally _never_ cared about not having a change of clothes.”

 

\---

 

Sonny hasn’t eaten, so Rafael orders more food, praying he gets a different delivery person. He lounges against a bed of pillows on the side of the couch and watches Sonny eat, listening to him talk about his week between mouthfuls of chicken lo mein.

“God, I fucking missed you,” Sonny sighs, once he’s done. “I swear I wanted to text you like a hundred times.”

“I missed you, too. But texts wouldn’t have been well received. Flowers and an in-person apology were a much better decision.”

Sonny smirks. “Yeah, I knew you’d appreciate flowers.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Everyone likes flowers.”

Sonny’s smirk just gets bigger. He crawls forward on the sofa and arranges himself comfortably on top of Rafael, then gives him a chaste kiss. Rafael wrinkles his nose.

“Don’t kiss me with your noodle breath.”

Sonny kisses him again. Rafael sighs, frowning, but snakes an arm around Sonny’s waist.

 

\---

 

They crawl into bed around 10:30. Sonny wears one of Rafael’s t-shirts, at Rafael’s insistence. It’s not that it’s particularly cold in his room, it’s just that he wants to see Sonny in his clothes. As expected, Sonny looks amazing. Rafael makes him reach for a high shelf just to see the shirt ride up and reveal his stomach.

They weren’t exactly planning on having sex, but it happens anyway. Sonny fucks him slowly, like they have all the time in the world. He kisses as deeply as he thrusts, and when Rafael comes, it’s with Sonny’s name on his tongue, and stars behind his eyelids.

Later, when they’re both cleaned up and resting close, Rafael murmurs against Sonny’s neck.

“Is there anything I can do for you? If you have a nightmare?”

Sonny squeezes his shoulder. “Mmm....don’t wake me up. If I sleep through it, I won’t remember it in the morning; if you wake me up, you’ll just make it worse.”

“What if you’re already awake?”

“Then I’ll probably be a mess.” Sonny huffs a laugh, but there’s no humor behind it. “Just try and talk me down from it. You know how to talk to people with—people with trauma.” He runs his fingers along Rafael’s spine, thinking. “If I do wake you up, I’m sorry. It’s okay if you have to move to the couch.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Yeah, I’d rather you not too, but I don’t know what it’s gonna be like. You’re the first person I’ve slept with since the nightmares started.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence, then Rafael lifts himself up onto one elbow. “Thank you,” he says. “For trusting me.”

Sonny smiles and pulls him down for a kiss. Rafael gives him one, then settles back against Sonny’s chest.

“You want me to turn out the light?” Sonny asks.

“Yeah. Goodnight, Sonny.”

“Goodnight.” Sonny reaches for the lamp, and the room goes dark.

 

\---

 

What wakes Rafael isn’t a flailing arm or a shout—it’s the movement of the bed as Sonny sits up on the mattress.

It’s still dark—the very early hours of the morning. Rafael is confused at first, but then he hears heavy breathing and a slight sniffle. He reaches out on instinct, but then pulls back, not wanting to startle Sonny.

“Hey,” he whispers, sitting up. “You alright?”

Sonny nods. He’s hunched over, holding his head in his hands.

“Can I touch you?”

“Please.” Sonny moves towards him quicker than Rafael can even open his arms. He isn’t quite crying, but he seems to be actively fighting against it. His body is shaking, and he’s taking loud, steady breaths. He grips Rafael’s shirt in his fists.

It’s agony to see him this way. For Rafael to see his normally cheerful, bubbly boyfriend with fear in his eyes, sucking in air like he’s drowning. Rafael is a little afraid himself, because if Sonny is scared, and Sonny is the strongest person he knows, then something must really be wrong. Rafael wants nothing more than to fix it. He knows it doesn’t work like that, but he does what he can.

“You’re alright,” he murmurs. “You’re safe.” He cradles the back of Sonny’s head in one palm.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny mumbles.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I—” Sonny stops and starts, the words getting stuck in his mouth. Rafael holds him through it and strokes his hair. Sonny starts taking slow breaths, holding them for long seconds before exhaling. When he speaks again, his voice is so quiet that Rafael can barely hear him.

“I can still feel the barrel of the gun against my forehead.”

A pang of hurt hits Rafael square in the chest. He feels tears prick his eyes, and he holds Sonny closer. He curses everyone who’s ever harmed him. He touches Sonny’s face, presses warm fingers against his skin to chase away the phantom feeling of metal and grime. Slowly, Sonny’s breaths begin to even out, and his grip on Rafael’s body begins to loosen.

“You feeling better?” Rafael asks.

Sonny nods. “Yeah. Thanks.” Rafael pulls back to look at him, but keeps touching him with both hands—stroking his arms gently, squeezing his knee. Sonny is looking down at his lap, but after a moment, he takes one of Rafael’s hands in his own.

“Sorry I woke you up,” he says.

“It’s fine. It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but....”

“Sonny, I’d rather be awake and able to comfort you than know you’re going through something like this alone.”

Sonny looks up at him then, a shy smile crossing his face. He shakes his head. “I got so lucky with you.”

Rafael kisses him and rests their foreheads together. “No, _I_ did. You ready to go back to sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on, then. Lie down with me.”

Rafael wraps one arm around Sonny’s waist. He keeps it there for the rest of the night.

 

\---

 

When Rafael wakes up again, it’s to bright rays of sunlight and Sonny’s brilliant smile.

“Mmmph,” Rafael groans. He closes his eyes and buries his face back into the pillow. He feels, rather than hears Sonny laugh.

“Are you one of those people who sleep in ‘til noon?” Sonny asks. “Gotta say, I never expected that from you, counselor.”

“Not noon, but later than whatever ungodly hour it is now.”

“It’s 9:30.”

“Gimme ‘til 10.”

Sonny laughs. He wraps both arms around Rafael and pulls him in, then gives a deep, satisfied sigh. Rafael would gladly stay like this for the rest of the day. Sonny’s body is still warm from sleep. His arms are gentle and strong, and he smells intoxicating.

“You’re really cute in the morning,” Sonny says. “Not that I was watching you or anything. Well. Maybe I was a little. You have the greatest bedhead. Your hair’s getting long, you know.”

“I’m getting it cut next week. Now be quiet.”

Sonny chuckles. He plays with Rafael’s hair, his fingers making lazy mazes around Rafael’s scalp. Rafael thinks for a moment about what it would be like to wake up like this every day. To be greeted by Sonny’s smile and held in his arms every morning.

“I’m glad I stayed over,” Sonny murmurs. “Thank you. For last night.” Rafael kisses his neck, and Sonny gives him a squeeze. “It’s not always going to be that easy, you know.”

“I know. But we can handle it. Together.” Rafael lifts up and looks Sonny in the eyes. They’re such a clear blue. His cheeks are still pink from sleep, and the sun is hitting his hair at just the right angle to make the silver strands shine. “It’s worth it,” Rafael says. “To have mornings like this.”

Sonny smiles, and it’s brighter than the daylight. Rafael kisses him tender and slow, then flops back down and rolls away onto his side.

“Now go get me some coffee,” he says.

Sonny barks out a laugh.

 

\---


End file.
